Rage Of My Soul

Theres something inside me, that burns. Something that all the good times, all the parties & all the alcohol cant sate. I hide it from everyone else, but i cant hide it from myself, no matter how much i try. You forget all about it when you are involved in the daily chores of life. When i'm laughing with friends, it seems like a distant memory, like a dream you woke up from. It seemed so real for a few minutes after you opened your eyes. Then you laugh at yourself and realize how silly it was. But the dream keeps coming back. Only you see it in your waking eyes. You celebrate your freedom from it, then you come back home or get a little time alone and it comes back, glaringly real and yet frustratingly vague. Like trying to catch smoke in the air. Its there, yet you never get a hold of it. Never seem to understand what it is.

Its like alternating between two worlds, one where your just a normal 21 year old, enjoying life. But then theres this whole world inside you, where you're supposed to be doing something else. Like you ll never be at peace without doing it. But i just goddamned wish i knew what it was. As far as i can see theres nothing i'm supposed to be doing, no purpose or calling or whatever. I know what you're thinking and i have no intention of being a priest (not that kinda calling).But i just cant shake it. I just cant seem to let it go, even though i have no idea what I'm trying to let go of.

When i was a kid, i got hooked on heroes of any kind. I read about them in story books. Saw them in movies. And i loved them. I wanted to be one of them. I used to be so convinced that i ll grow up to be a superhero and save the world. Or go back in time and be a knight. I was just waiting for my powers to manifest themselves. But big surprise, they never did. I grew up and realized there are no superheroes and supervillains. That the world isnt all black and white. That people are just people...
The world didnt need saving, and even if it did, theres nothing i can do about it.

But then something happens, you see death or suffering, see or feel grief, and that's when you feel it, inside you. Like something you ve known all along and yet didnt know at all. You feel it burn. Then you feel this is the real thing, the real you, that everything else was just noise. But then life goes on, and its gone again, but its still never gone.....And you wonder, what it is, is it your brain, your consciousness, can it be explained by grey cells and neurons as science seems to claim or is it something spiritual, or could it be both. More importantly, you wonder what it wants. You cant deny its power but still, you never seem to be able to wield it completely. Never able to reconcile both worlds you walk in.

Is this some kind of unresolved issue from childhood or something. Can this be cured? Can I finally walk in this world, at peace. Live and die like everyone else...Why isnt that enough. And even if it isnt enough, what else is there?

Is there something that can quench this thirst...something that can sate the rage of my soul......